Ooooh, nice :D I really, really like the communication between Watson and Holmes, how they both offered comfort when they knew the other needed it. The reciprocity of their actions made me sigh internally, and it was subtle and natural to boot, which makes it even better ♥
I'm trying to figure out here though what could be improved on, because I want you to do really awesome on your Big Bang fic ♥ There're some parts which don't quite sit right with me, so I'll try to explain what I mean...
1. Watson nodded his farewell to Lestrade and followed Holmes out onto the more open roads. They waited there in silence for a cab to pass by; Watson while trying to restrain his outrage, Holmes lost in thought.
I loved the pacing in the first part before this - you managed to convey the action well while interspersing it with thoughts and dialogue at the same time. This part though, I'm a little iffy about. Watson nodding his farewell and them leaving is fine, but the transition from action to inaction is still a little sudden.
Perhaps it'd be easier to ease the transition in with a couple more description? Perhaps a line or two of Watson feeling irritated at Lestrade's attitude, or the feeling of being watched by him while Lestrade's forces scurry around Samson. Maybe the narrowness of the alleys, or the sense of gradually hearing the noises of the streets pick up volume and then them waiting in silence for the cab.
2. There're little things like word choice which is more of a personal thing. Like:
when he had contrived he whipped off his coat
"Contrived" is not a word I see often - that could be just me, but in its place I would choose to put in "managed to". It feels more natural to me.
"Indeed," Lestrade said. He did not appear to be wholly convinced. "Still, seems to me you've put an awful lot of work into this for a common burglar."
I see the feeling you're conveying here. However, the second part of his lines is enough to tell us how Lestrade is unconvinced. So in its place I'd put something along the lines of:
"Indeed," Lestrade said with a small furrow in his brow. "Still, seems to me you've put an awful lot of work into this for a common burglar."
3. Watson ran his hand over Holmes' untamed locks, his affection for his friend slowly spreading through his whole being, shoving all lingering feelings of anger aside.
This last comment has more to do with the building up of their relationship than technical issues. What I feel is that toward the end, you're doing more, mm...telling, rather than showing. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, since in your second last paragraph you built in Watson's feelings naturally, with a touch of humour in how Holmes' actions would give Watson leverage. But for the sentence quoted above, because you established his affection for Holmes in the previous paragraph, it is not necessary to repeat it again. Instead, it might work better with:
Watson ran his hand over Holmes' untamed locks, warmth slowly spreading through his whole being, shoving all lingering feelings of anger aside.
Tiny nitpick: there was hot breath against his hear. "Ear", yeah? (:
Mm, yeah, that's it from me! Basically I love the pre-movie-universe you're building up for them here, and the pre-slash, which is one of my favourite parts about this pairing. The whole UST, yeah? ♥ And of course, the little subtle touches and general sweetness here :D Keep at it! I look forward to how your Big Bang fic will be like, and any other fics you choose to write for them! *hugs*
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
regna
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-16 04:21 pm (UTC)I'm trying to figure out here though what could be improved on, because I want you to do really awesome on your Big Bang fic ♥ There're some parts which don't quite sit right with me, so I'll try to explain what I mean...
1. Watson nodded his farewell to Lestrade and followed Holmes out onto the more open roads. They waited there in silence for a cab to pass by; Watson while trying to restrain his outrage, Holmes lost in thought.
I loved the pacing in the first part before this - you managed to convey the action well while interspersing it with thoughts and dialogue at the same time. This part though, I'm a little iffy about. Watson nodding his farewell and them leaving is fine, but the transition from action to inaction is still a little sudden.
Perhaps it'd be easier to ease the transition in with a couple more description? Perhaps a line or two of Watson feeling irritated at Lestrade's attitude, or the feeling of being watched by him while Lestrade's forces scurry around Samson. Maybe the narrowness of the alleys, or the sense of gradually hearing the noises of the streets pick up volume and then them waiting in silence for the cab.
2. There're little things like word choice which is more of a personal thing. Like:
when he had contrived he whipped off his coat
"Contrived" is not a word I see often - that could be just me, but in its place I would choose to put in "managed to". It feels more natural to me.
"Indeed," Lestrade said. He did not appear to be wholly convinced. "Still, seems to me you've put an awful lot of work into this for a common burglar."
I see the feeling you're conveying here. However, the second part of his lines is enough to tell us how Lestrade is unconvinced. So in its place I'd put something along the lines of:
"Indeed," Lestrade said with a small furrow in his brow. "Still, seems to me you've put an awful lot of work into this for a common burglar."
3. Watson ran his hand over Holmes' untamed locks, his affection for his friend slowly spreading through his whole being, shoving all lingering feelings of anger aside.
This last comment has more to do with the building up of their relationship than technical issues. What I feel is that toward the end, you're doing more, mm...telling, rather than showing. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, since in your second last paragraph you built in Watson's feelings naturally, with a touch of humour in how Holmes' actions would give Watson leverage. But for the sentence quoted above, because you established his affection for Holmes in the previous paragraph, it is not necessary to repeat it again. Instead, it might work better with:
Watson ran his hand over Holmes' untamed locks, warmth slowly spreading through his whole being, shoving all lingering feelings of anger aside.
Tiny nitpick: there was hot breath against his hear. "Ear", yeah? (:
Mm, yeah, that's it from me! Basically I love the pre-movie-universe you're building up for them here, and the pre-slash, which is one of my favourite parts about this pairing. The whole UST, yeah? ♥ And of course, the little subtle touches and general sweetness here :D Keep at it! I look forward to how your Big Bang fic will be like, and any other fics you choose to write for them! *hugs*